tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4770737061176474463.post8796785603454731160..comments2023-10-15T05:33:37.948-07:00Comments on "...and then, I shall write a book, about my adventures!": Neodymium Betrayal--edited beginning.Petre Panhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09116806277306186024noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4770737061176474463.post-9612147105244226132012-05-16T07:04:31.257-07:002012-05-16T07:04:31.257-07:00I like this, but I also think it lost something fr...I like this, but I also think it lost something from the original version. I know people griped about the shift in perspective from hovering over the kids to zeroing in on Roz, but I thought it made the situation with the kids, and then Roz in his own little world, lonelier somehow. I liked it. But there should be a smoother way to make that transition without losing that vibe... idk... also, I think it's more effective if you use the word "kids" or "children" (rather than "pre-adults") for that opening sentence. It makes them sound immediately more vulnerable and it takes less mental gymnastics to know what you're talking about ("Adults? No, wait, she said PRE-adults, ok, so they're kids?"). That's my 2 cents, anyway. ;)A. K. Francishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12601483975976721767noreply@blogger.com