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Saturday, May 19, 2018

Merc with a mouth...has absolutely nothing to say.

Deadpool (One), while crude, had an effective point that hit my heart just when I needed a comforting tale about disreputable suffering endurance.

"Deadpool 2", if it had a point, shoved that point so far up an asshole of unnecessarily grotesque, unreasonably sacrilegious, and unsexily obscene meaningless overwritten drawn out driveling crap that I couldn't have found that point if the point were magnetic and I had Iron-man's weird unnecessary glowy chest emblem installed in reverse to guide the point TO my heart.

Deadpool wants to die throughout the whole movie, and if I were this movie's doctor, I would HONOR that DNR: do not resuscitate and do not recommend.

Am I sick from the popcorn I stole after scaring away the guy sitting next to me, the fibromyalgia I earned by slowly drowning myself in poisonous cortisol over the years, or because I sat so close to the screen I now smell sewage seeping through my skin?

It took "Maximum Effort" to keep watching what can only mean the writers got high off the contents of my fish tank, watched a load of Japanese porn, and then got hit in the head too hard by that humor technique where someone says something that sounds meaningful and then a drawn out pause contradicts it. Guardians of the Galaxy II did that pause well--even the sharpest katana used too long becomes crutch.

Cut off about 40 minutes of almost-child porn, "this character only exists to be a lesbian," "Deadpool insults God for the umpteenth time", and looooooong repeated boring pauses, and MAYBE we had something. Maybe half a thing. Do you even have a thing in those stuffed pants, Deadpool? Like any work of love you make, you know something's wrong when you find yourself hoping it ends soon.

It wasn't good for me, Wade Wilson.

And box office numbers aside, I have a feeling it wasn't actually GOOD for you either.

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